vida_bloom

Rafael

2006-03-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

There is a saying that "we are exactly where we should be". To some extent, I agree with it. Then again, there are certain moments when I question the wisdom of moving...moments like this when I want to give my brother a hug and couldn't.

I know I don't say it often enough, but I have a feeling that they'll be reading this...

To my family (most especially Rafael), I love you guys... and whatever happens, we'll work through it together.

My I-pod Story

2006-03-30T08:36:00.000-08:00

I have almost given up on my I-pod. After 5 or 6 songs, the battery just shuts down, even after being charged overnight. I understand that it is the natural degradation of the lithium, probably compounded by my charging habits that caused this failure. Quite frustrating really especially when a great song comes on, and I'm about to sing (or dance) to it... then silence.

I need music the moment I wake up, as I prepare for work, and before I go to sleep. I can live without tv, but not music. Thus, these constant I-pod shutdowns are a total no-no. I have been meaning to go to the store this weekend to get new batteries or worse comes to worst, a new I-pod.

On one idle night, I googled and read up on lithium batteries (yes, I can be a nerd). "How to maximize your battery life"... First point was to make sure that the software installed is the latest one. Hmm. I decided to update the software, still skeptical though, thinking that if the battery is gone, it's gone. Then, I left it to charge overnight.

It's 7:33PM and I've been using it since 8AM...and it's still working. Coolll... Now Playing: "Why" by Annie Lennox.

Just when I thought it was dead and just when I've almost given up on it, it managed to surprise me with this renewed battery life. It just needed an upgrade and some serious recharging.

Just when I was about to give up and give in, I manage to surprise myself with this renewed sense of self. I just needed an upgrade and some serious recharging.

Choices

2006-03-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, we have to make difficult choices... And I guess one that I've never really made easily is the choice between letting go and holding on. The conflict of mind and heart is one that's not easily resolved. When your heart is saying 'Just Go' and your mind is pulling all the red flags and screaming 'Stop', what are you supposed to listen to?

As with making any other choice, my stand in this is that there is no right answer. It's all subjective. As long as one is ready for the consequences and there's no second guessing after, then whatever choice he/she picks is right. May not be right for another person, but right for him/her.

Historically, I've always went with my heart. So I just kept on going and going and going, without breaks... and I'd always end up crashing. You can say that I've learned lessons the hard way.

On one of my Maryland trips, my dad told me this before I boarded the plane: "The mind is placed above the heart for a reason." At that time, I never really understood the wisdom of it. But, now that the heart is tired and the tear wells are dry, I finally get it.

I had to make a choice today... and I decided with my mind.

At least this time, i managed to hang on the raft before even drowning.

Listen

2006-03-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

How many people really do listen? The kind where you can speak freely, and you are being heard. The kind where you write your thoughts down, and people make the effort to understand.

I sent an email to one friend over the weekend and came back with a response which read "Interesting stuff...but I just didn't get it". Dude, those are my thoughts. I guess to you they don't matter; but to me, they do. The least you could do is try to "get" it. You can agree or disagree with me, that's cool. But you could have put in a little effort.

Shush, I learned my lesson. I just won't be sharing any more of myself with people who don't really care that much.

Moment...

2006-03-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

"Each moment seems split into two...melancholy for what is left behind and the exictement of entering a new land..."-Ernesto Guevara, The Motorcycle Diaries

Art

2006-03-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, art is an escape. Movies take us through unusual situations. Music is a deviation from our lives (take for instance - "It's difficult out there for a pimp". haha)

For me, though, it's the opposite. All I've written - prose or poetry - is an accurate description of all that I am feeling at that particular moment in time. For those of you who have been constant visitors of this site, you may have noticed that I have been writing about heartbreak, pain, loss, healing, etc, etc.

But today is a different day :) I haven't written anything mushy in a while... and here goes. Guess I'm inspired. My thanks to Celine Dion. Hehe. "If you asked me to" was playing and this started to flow.

Untitled

The world spins and time flies
I look around and there you are -
Constant and caring,
Still.
Until now.

It's been too long;
You've been too far.
And I've been too lost.
Our lives separate, but intertwined.
Always.

Things change and we evolve,
Finding ourselves in a crossroad
Left or right, it doesn't matter.
You're going. I'm going.
In one direction.

Green and pink stripes,
A grecian setting and a rose garden.
This lovely scene on a beautiful night -
I'm thinking about it too.
One day.
Someday.

Left of the Middle

2006-03-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

This is an old one from Natalie Imbruglia, but I just recently discovered it. I guess to some extent, I can relate to this song...

End of the third round
As I put the phone down
Chasing the same lines
Over the old ground
I'm pushing zero
Where is my hero
He's out there somewhere
left of the middle

And your world falls down
And you're there calling out
But it's something I can't say
Though it seems the only way
But its a game that I can't play - Not today

I got my ticket
And I got a straight road
But I'm passing the same signs
Over and over

And my world falls down
And you're there calling out
But it's something I can't say
Though it seems the only way
But its a game that I can't play - Not today

I need to tell you
Trying to get it through
It's not always easy
Left of the Middle

Analogy of the shoe

2006-02-27T06:53:00.000-08:00

I love ballet flats. It's comfortable, it's cute and it's me. In a shoe store where we women go crazy with endless choices, I'd always prefer and be drawn to the flats - regardless of color or brand.

A fated afternoon, however, I found myself in an new store...falling in love with a pair of black...stilettos. Once I put my hands on them, I couldn't let go. It was expensive but I bought it regardless. I used it every single day - day in, day out - only to realize that it wasn't made for long-distance, long-term walking. It started to hurt wearing it; but as I love it so, I kept it
still. A blister formed on my feet and it hurt real bad that I could not walk for a while. Time has come to give it up.

Now, "shoe-less", I came across several pairs but nothing seemed to compare to my black stilettos. Nothing caught my interest, nothing caught my fancy...not until one fine day when I saw the cutest ballet flats... "Size nine in bronze please"... True enough, it fit me perfect. It reminded me of all I've ever wanted but was almost willing to give up.

I walk around the store in it, admiring it from every angle. However, after a few moments of trial and a lot of thought, I put it back on the shelf. No, there's nothing wrong with the shoe...nothing at all. Why give it up then? Simply put, there is something wrong with my feet. That blister, which I temporarily forgot about, is still in the process of healing. I realized that it
is just not the right time to get me a new pair of shoes.

But, I promised myself this : when the wound heals (and I know that it soon will), I plan to go find my bronze ballet flats. Possibly, it will be gone by the time I come back for it. If this will be the case, though, then it only means that, like some other things in life, it's just not meant to be.

For the meantime, I'll walk around barefoot....and I will enjoy every second of it.

Eureka

2006-02-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

This is how Archimedes must have felt like when he figured out the principle of bouyancy.

It's funny how I'm just sitting here and suddenly a realization hits me. It's been right in front of me all this while.

Eureka!

* How nerdy is this post? Hehe...But, no, my realization is far from "scientific"...

Blue...

2006-02-18T09:37:00.000-08:00

I took one of those psych tests and the result was quite interesting. I found it quite cool that my color is "blue". Apparently, "vida_blue" really fits me :)

...

Vida, your true color is Blue!

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

Cool

2006-02-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

I'm at the airport waiting for boarding and just found this free internet hub. Sooo cool. Guess I'm surprised as Changi is the only airport I've seen with free internet access.

A few more hours to go and I will be home. It's going to be fab.

Special thanks goes out to Tegs for the wonderful surprise yesterday. The boney cake was great (haha) and the disc was just plain touching.

I'm also just glad that I didn't have to pay for excess baggage. What can I say, I'm a packer ;)
Trish and Rhea, pagbutihan nyo ang pag-pa-pack dyan. Pack kayo ng pack. Haha.

I'm off...a few weeks of bliss.

Hmmm...

2006-02-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

This quote made me think. I guess to some extent, there's some truth to this...

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically...to those who hardly think about us in return..." - T.H. White

Random Thought

2006-02-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

A random thought from my sleep deprived mind...

Why is the term "true love" being used? Hmm... Is there such a thing as "fake love"? Some people probably will say that there is.

For me, however, anything less than the kind wherein one can share himself fully and accept the other completely, is not worthy of being called love at all. Thus, there is no such thing as "fake love"... and to use "true love" is a redundancy. Love, as defined in my book, should entail all that is real and true.

Catch my drift? :)

Celebrating, Singapore style

2006-02-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

3:48 AM. I just got home from a night out with my Sing crew. As I'll be leaving for Manila on Friday, celebrations had to happen this weekend.

It was a pretty long day. Started with a make-over at Shu Eumura care of Victoria :) I am an avid MAC fan, but I should say that stuff was pretty cool. I even got myself a rouge cream, in color 567 bronze, to give the lips that shimmery finish.

Afterwhich, we headed to the No Signboard Seafood restaurant in Esplanade for a sumptuous dinner. Menu for the night included chili crab, deep fried baby squid, lobster (yummy!!!), cerealed prawns, and of course, yang chow fried rice. Dinner would not have been complete without the photo ops. Everyone did have a camera, except me. Well, it was my night so all I had to do was smile and pose :)

Totally stuffed from dinner, we, then, decided to pass by The Tea Shop to get some chai lattes and cups of moroccan mint tea. Tegs almost got into a little accident (hehe) which left her speechless for a while. More photo ops, then, for Orange who just found the new Esplanade displays hard to resist.

Next stop: Insomnia. It was jam-packed when we got there. The band did an amazing job; Filipino bands always do. Of course, it was my hiphop sistah who danced the night away with me. Special moves where taken to the floor when Ice Cube's "U Can Do It (Put your Ass Into It)" was played :)

It was a bit embarrasing when the lead singer of the band called me up on stage. (Note to self: A high stage and high heels do not really mix). Good that the entire thing just took about a minute or two... and good that I was presentable donning the ensemble which Rocky "blessed" (old rose beaded top with chocolate brown bolero, bronze heels and braided clutch). Hehe.

A few more songs and Singapore slings later, we decided to call it a night. It was a very cool night at that :)

5 days to go and I'll be back home. I can't wait.

* Keith, you were missed.

Kids say the darnest things

2006-02-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

This made my day. Really cute stuff...

"Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother - Larry"

"Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there right now - Ginny"

"Dear God, Are you really invisible or is it just a trick - Lucy"

"Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna"

"Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you got now? - Jane"

"Dear God, I always pray for spring but it hasn't come yet. Don't forget -Mark"

Here are my favorites....

"Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy -Joyce"

"Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok?- Neil"

Secrets

2006-01-26T08:23:00.000-08:00

I'd say I'm quite an open person as it's not difficult for me to talk to people. But, of course, there are certain levels of "filtering" required. I gotta know who to trust. Thus, the more intimate stories are usually saved for those closest to me.

I spilled one of my "deep, dark" secrets to a good friend today. Hehehe. It's not a subject usually talked about so to touch on it was a little weird. When I started talking, however, it just flowed.

I found that pretty cool. It is a good feeling to be able to share my unedited thoughts. I have people who I'm comfortable talking to about anything and everything. I am being heard and no judgements are being passed. I can talk with no filters, no holds barred.

I have friends who really hear me. I'm blessed.

(Keith, I know this reminder is not needed; but yet again I'm reminding you - Zip it :-p Hehehe)

Patience

2006-01-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

In this fast paced world we live in, being patient is definitely a virtue. Every one wants instant gratification - instant relief from pain, instant rise to the top, less effort, more rewards. However, what some people fail to realize is that some things cannot be rushed and that sometimes, baby steps are better than one giant leap.

I'm one of the guilty ones...I've been rushing me.

Restarts

2006-01-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

Just came home from my first yoga class for the year. After a month-long absence, it feels like work all over again. The poses which I used to be able to do easily have now become stressful. Tonight, the trouble was my shoulders. I can't seem to open them up. Too much tension, Saumik (the teacher) says. Good Luck to me... as I'm sure that it's going to ache all over tomorrow :)

Restarts.

This is the trouble with restarts. You've made progress, then suddenly you find yourself back to square one. Sometimes, doing it the nth time around is a lot more difficult than the first time. And yes, I'm not just talking about yoga :) Think: going back to old relationships that just don't work, keeping people that just don't fit, and falling into the same cycle that sets you back.

No more restarts this year - with yoga and everything else.

2006

2006-01-01T05:34:00.000-08:00

I received a lot of text messages from family and friends with greetings of a Happy New Year. All of them were sweet, but I love the one from Lethel the most. It went like this:

"In the end, only 3 things matter most: how fully you lived, how deeply you loved and how gracefully you learned to let go of things not meant for you".

This makes a lot of sense. I'm officially adopting it as my 2006 mantra :)

...

New Year's in Singapore is a little weird. I guess I'm used to the Manila street parties where the local bands rocked the house like crazy and the skies were lit by an intricate fireworks display. Here, it was a pretty quiet welcome to the new year. On TV, they had a live feed/countdown and a 15 minute fireworks show which I can only describe as mediocre (well, compared to the Manila parties, that is).

I just chilled with Keith. We caught a few scenes from "Hollow Man" showing on Channel 5 . It was a totally odd pick for a New Year's show. (Invisible man killing people, Aww come on!). We then watched the "40 year old virgin" which was mad funny and reminded me so much of Bob McKiernan (Marian you're right!). A few episodes of The Ali G show followed which made us laugh even more.

Though missing the Manila New Year's, I should say it was a good way to start 2006 -- good company and a lot of laughs.

...

January 1st 2006.

I fixed up the house today, literally and figuratively. Laundry's done. Clothes are all pressed. Room is clean. Everything is in order. I've also decided to shake off all the "dust" - grudges, sadness, pain, fear, regrets... It's a clean slate baby :)

With a sip from my tequila-ed iced tea, I end this post. Happy New Year's everyone! Cheers!

Change...

2005-12-29T08:45:00.000-08:00

I came across this cool quote... Another one for the New Year...

"Change... A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn."

Closing Cycles by Paolo Coehlo

2005-12-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I read this in Cla's site and found it really interesting. So apt for the coming of the new year. New year, new life. As Lethel would say, "Tabularasa".... (Lethel girl, happy birthday! :))
...

Closing Cycles by Paolo Coehlo

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Lessons Learned, 2005

2005-12-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

There's one line from Ally McBeal which stuck to me. I don't know the exact words, but it was something like this --- If you look back at the year, and it doesn't make you smile or cry, then consider the year wasted. Otherwise, it was still a meaningful year as the laughter and/or tears added something to your life.

For me, 2005 may have been more on the 'tears' part. Hehehe. But, although scathed and bruised, the point is I survived :) There have been lessons learned and to sum it all up, I think I can take some lines from my most played songs this year:

* I can't live if you're unhappy. I can't live if you cry. But I can live without you if it makes you smile... I can't wait to see you rising. I can't wait to see you shine - "Maybe It's Just Me" by Butch
Lesson 1: Loving someone means wishing for their happiness even if it means you aren't a part of it. Everything else is secondary.

* On the way down, I saw you and you saved me from myself. And I won't forget the way you love me. - "On the Way Down" by Jason Mraz
Lesson 2: Through a trying time and possibly your lowest point, people who truly matter will be there for you.

* Close my eyes let the whole thing pass me by. There is no time to waste asking why. - ( I still dunno the title of this song :-/)
Lesson 3: Acceptance is key. Some things are neither explainable nor comprehensible. They're meant to stay that way.

* We'll rise inspite of our fears inside... From our ashes, we'll rise. -"We Rise" by Rama Duke
Lesson 4: That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

* Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far. - "Name" by Goo goo Dolls
Lesson 5: So true. But at one point, you have to let go of something that has long been gone. Anchors away.

* We're moving too fast. The whole world is in a rush. Everybody just hush. -"Hush" by L.L. Cool
Lesson 6: Sometimes, you have to stop and just be still... to get a clearer picture and gain your sense of direction.

* Maybe there's another plan, one I still can't see... The answer will come. Hold on to patience and watch for the sign. - "Everything in Its Time" by Corrinne May
Lesson 7: Look forward with hope. At the right time, everything will simply fall into place :)

7 lessons... With these lessons come maturity and strength. More ready to brave battles, face changes, and cherish moments, I can now say... "Bring it on" ;)

Waiting

2005-12-08T18:03:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting for a cab for the last 30 minutes. This is usually the fastest way to get to work and running late for my 10AM meeting, it seemed to be the best plan. But NO! I've been calling 2 taxi companies at the same time - one from my landline, another from my mobile phone - and I can't seem to get a cab. "No taxis are available at the moment. Please continue to hold". Sigh.

When you're stuck in a rut, you need to come up with alternative solutions quickly. Thus, I call Satish and asked for a conference bridge number so I can dial in while en route to work. Smart ey? Well, well, well...Turns out I really don't need to attend that meeting. They'll just call me if any questions come up. Cool.

Still a problem remains, how do I get to work now? Will I continue holding for a cab and possibly get to work in the next half-hour? Or do I get on the next train and get to work an hour later?

I think I'll wait.

Sometimes, to get to your destination, you'll have to be patient. The best ride of your life may be coming if you just wait a little longer..... and I just don't mean getting to work :) I guess this applies to other things as well.

"Taxi number: SHA9523". Wooohoo.

Sometimes, it pays to wait.

Neruda, rediscovered

2005-12-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't read Pablo Neruda in a while so to stumble upon his poetry this morning was a welcome surprise. "Tonight I can Write the Saddest Lines" is a very poignant one. However, I should say that "Here I Love You" is still my favorite. It is worth reading and re-reading and re-reading....

Here I Love You
by Pablo Neruda

Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.

The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.

Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.

Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.

The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.

Calendar

2005-12-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

The office just gave away 2006 desk calendars. Each page, each month is marked by a painting of a Singapore landmark. It's quite nice. I particularly like the June 2006 page which captures the busy Temple street.

2006. Wow, it's just around the corner. I can't believe we're already on the last month of the year. It went by pretty quick and as it is coming to a close, I can't help but look back at the the year that was...

I have made 3 major goals for myself for 2005 and got 2 of 3 done. I guess that's not bad. I got the Singapore move done and as far as the other goal is concerned, it's moving along quite fine. The only one which I wasn't able to do is Interior Design, which unfortunately would have to wait yet another year or so.

A few other changes also happened this year. Some of which were welcome changes. Others, I was not able to cope with much ease. But with each line and each twist, there have been lessons learned, no matter how miniscule. There have been realizations accepted, friendships built, and character traits honed. The point is not really how the story ends, but how it was lived and absorbed.

Flipping through these calendar pages, my mind is churning of plans for the next year. As of the moment, I already have 4 goals in mind - 2 of which are pretty attainable and the other 2, well, we'd have to wait and see :) I'm just so excited for this year to officially close. I can't wait for 2006.

Like the dawn of a new day, the new year is full of promise. We can only hope it to be so great...but we cannot be fully ready for all the events that are to happen. Then again, we can accept. We can battle. We can get hurt. We can learn. We can grow.

Somehow though, I feel that 2006 will be much, much, much better :) As Keith would say, it really is time to "feel the pleasures of elevation and flight once again".

We'll see... we'll see.

What's The Story

2005-11-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

I don't usually answer getting to know questionnaires but this one is a little different from the others so I was inspired to answer :) Got this from a friend's blog:

What's the Story:

[01] of your name?
* My mom's nurse was a Catholic nurse. The day I was born, she told my mom that it was the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes. Thus, "Lourdes". My dad decided to add "Vida" in, which is Spanish for "life".

[02] of your parents?
* I'd say it's more like Romeo and Juliet or "you and me against the world". Hehe. Conflicting families and they ended up eloping.

[03] of your last birthday?
* Went to mass at Retiro, had dinner at Pazzo, bowling at Rockwell and finally coffee at Seattle's best.

[04] of your first love?
* See previous blogs entry. Hehe.

[05] of your room?
* Pink. That's my room theme color. Got cool pieces from Ikea, my favorite of which is my bedside table lamp. I have full length windows, and a good view of the pool. Leaving this room in a couple of month's time as we're moving in February.

[06] of last christmas?
* Every Christmas Eve, we have a tradition of drawing lots to figure out who gets the honor of putting the star on top the tree. Last year, I wasn't as lucky. It was Rafael who got the price.

[07] of last valentine's day?
* DVD night (showing "Got to Believe") at our Kingswood apartment. Plus busy preparing for the Singapore move.

[08] of the first time you saw your crush?
* All I remember is that he had on the cutest smile. Hehe.

[09] of you and your best friend?
* We met at the Ateneo, my roommate all 4 years of college. We used to go to the dorm rooftop when we wanted to talk about secret stuff... I wrote her a letter dated 17 April 1997 which she still has and is major blackmail material. She's my bestfriend, MQ ,and future MOH.

[10] of the last place you went to?
* Al Dente Tretoria @ the Esplanade to celebrate Tegs' birthday. It was a real cool place.

[11] of the last time you cried?
* The last time I really seriously cried... Hmm... October 10th. Let's not go into detail :)

[12] of your greatest achievement this year?
* This year is about self-discovery. I'm proud to have kept my sanity through it all (well, except for certain, brief, and hopefully acceptable moments of insanity). Hehe. As this year is coming to an end, I have a clearer sense of what I want, what I can/cannot compromise and what really matters.

A Whole New World

2005-11-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

Sweat White.That was Saturday's theme. One of Tegs' friends, DJ Travis, from Manila was spinning at this club called "Happy". It was a one night event so we decided to check it out.

Music-wise, it was a blast. Travis was quite good. It was entertaining to watch him spin the records and dance at the same time. He seemed to be having so much fun tinkering with the mixer. DJ's have a real cool job.

The place was also nicely done. The dance floor is covered with foamy stuff and almost everyone was in white. There's this huge sea of hunky men - good looking, buff, fashionistas. BUT, here's the thing (yep, with men, there's always a catch :) )... they were out searching for hunky men as well!

Oh ya, "Happy" is not your usual club. I haven't been anywhere where testosterone levels are so high yet there's really no danger of being harrassed. Hehe. You can walk around naked and they really won't care. Really!... And where else do you see shirtless men dancing the ledges? 6 packs, great obliques, good dance moves... Walk-in comfort rooms with no walls... Take away loot bags with what else - condoms. (That's right, be safe).

Among other things, though, the most interesting fact of the night is that it validates (without a doubt) Madonna's status as THE icon. When "Hung up" was played, everyone flocked the dance floor as if it were a national anthem. Seriously :)

In sum, it was a pretty interesting night. I guess it's good to open one's eyes sometimes and be immersed in a world totally different from one we are used to. It makes one understand that there's more out there to see.

To each his own... as long as everyone's enjoying... and everyone's "happy" :)

Sink 'N Swim

2005-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Plumb's "Sink 'N Swim" and I just started writing...

Sink 'N Swim

Cold. Dark. Numb.
Sucking me deep,
The whirlpool was too strong
...emotions too high
That I've lost control.

Lower than I've ever been
Sunken ship,
...Is there hope?
Broken spirit,
...Will rescue come?

A burst of color,
A show of support,
A shower of love.
Giving me inspiration,
I begin to see there's light.

With all the strength I have,
... moving my legs
... gasping for air
... inching my way to the surface
I tread the deep waters.

Floating. Breathing. Swimming.
I'm still alive.

First Love

2005-11-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

"First love never dies" - Unknown

Circa February 1993. Prom night. I was sitting in my peach gown when "King and Queen of Hearts" (so retro!) suddenly plays and I felt someone tap on my shoulder. My heart dropped when I saw it was Erwin asking me to dance. Lightheaded, I let him lead me to the dance floor, where in mid-song, he hands me two roses - one pink and one white...for my birthday and for prom, he says. It made my night.

It's funny how such little things can make the heart flutter. I guess in my 15 year old infatuated mind, Erwin was that prince in shining armor. He was first to make me feel what being "in love" means and oriented me to my first"heartbreak". High school wouldn't have been the same without him.

Last Saturday, he woke me up with a text message, announcing that he's in Kuala Lumpur and will be flying in Singapore that same afternoon. I haven't seen him in around 3 months and so we arranged to meet up.

We had dinner at a restaurant on top of Mount Faber which was reachable through cable car. Overlooking the city and dining al fresco, dinner by candle light can be described as perfect, and almost quite "romantic". My 15 year old self could have only described that night as a "dream". But, really, it was a great time spent with one of my best friends.

Ya, best friends...People from high school will probably be surprised that we ended up being close. Sometimes I wonder too how we've come to evolve. From barely talking, we've managed to form a real, strong friendship. He has grown to be that friend I can talk to...and just be still with. We can talk a lot or be quiet drinking our Guiness and it will still be a good time. Like Pi, I know he'd be constant through all life's changes - his and mine.

As that friendster testimonial goes, I will always be his drinking buddy who doesn't drink, and his yosi buddy who only smokes second hand :) (Dude, I tried but it just doesn't work for me. Hehe.)

I guess I would have to agree with that saying...

(First) Love never dies. Sometimes, it just evolves.

Transparent

2005-11-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

Rhea and I had lunch at Long John Silver's yesterday. They had a promotion where one had to pick a card from the dish bowl, scratch and see if they win a price. I really have no luck with such things and so my card read: "Thanks for dining. Enjoy your meal". I wonder if anyone really wins.

Today, Keith and I went to Yoshinoya for lunch. An interesting challenge came about wherein I had to sport the "I-am-not-thinking-anything" look whenever an idea is presented. This is because of several instances when he'd say "I sense something is wrong" or "Spill it", without me even saying a thing. I guess he knows me enough to know what's up.

But, this led me to think...Am I that transparent? Am I a dead giveaway? Hmmm.

Maybe.

Maybe, I do come across as that gal - "what you see is what you get" - and for the most part that is true. I say whatever I want to say (most of the time). I do not pretend I like you if I don't (and if I do, you'll know). I can neither keep a straight face after "stealing" earphones nor can I put on a happy front when it's chaotic inside.

However, what some people don't get is that the tag line should read - "what you see is what you get BUT that's not entirely it". Not at all. There are some (important) things - my reasons, fears, desires, future plans - which I seldom talk about and only a select few know.

And so, I really find it interesting how some people think they know me entirely to form a solid judgement about my life. Little do they know that beyond that easy to read English title page is a whole lot of Greek words that aren't as simple to decipher ;)

Like that Long John Silver's promo card, they have only scratched the surface...

Inspiration

2005-11-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

A friend commented that my aura is different nowadays and that I'm lovely as ever. Ahhmm. Thanks I guess. Hehe.

The answer...inspiration. It's like fuel which makes the engine run smoother (oh gawd, that's such a bad analogy :) )...or olio cheesecake which complements a good meal...plasma tv which enhances one's viewing pleasure...a good session at the spa which revitalizes...or the i-pod which makes the long MRT rides entertaining.

With inspiration, an insomniac can get uninterrupted sleep and wake up refreshed. With inspiration, a writer can dish out pieces without even trying. With inspiration, the bad seems a little better, and the good seems great.

Thus, I say:

Draw inspiration from things, no matter how simple they may be... a cool song you've heard on the radio, moves from dance class, a yoga pose which you finally get, a great restaurant you've recently discovered, a deep quote you accidentally stumble upon, even a 120-item gap report.

Draw inspiration from people... old friends who continue to care, new friends who bring in more laughter, family who'll always be around regardless, and most especially yourself - the only person who will be with you through it all.

Inspiration. 1 tablet, 3 times a day. Guaranteed to make you glow.

.... I guess I'm inspired huh. Hmmm... :)

Quote of the Day

2005-11-15T09:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life isn't always exactly the best paved road. Sometimes you have to take many detours before discovering the real path to your true destination.

Singapore

2005-11-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

To be honest, my move to Singapore was a decision not thoroughly thought of. It was a drastic attempt to change things, hoping that a new life will bring the peace I was looking for. Things fell into place easily - the job, the apartment, and new friends. The fresh environment and great company softened what could have been a really rough blow. It was not a perfectly smooth transition.

This morning, however, I woke up and it feels different. I'm not really sure what has changed (ok, maybe I know a little :)). But, for the first time, I feel like I am really meant to be here...and that the hopes I've had for this new life may be realized after all.

Breathe Easy

2005-11-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday was kinda rough. I couldn't breathe....and I mean literally. This is the first time I've had an attack in a lonnngggg time. From having zero attacks in the last 10 months, I have ignored my once much needed inhaler and didn't have it in my purse. Big mistake! I had to rely on coffee to open up the airways. What's worse is that I had a 3 hour meeting that day, which I was driving. It was a total effort to be talking that long.

When I got home, I immediately had 3 puffs of that refreshing Ventolin drug and got a much needed rest. Lying in bed in relax position, I had the closing routine of yoga class playing in my head -- "Relax the body. Relax the mind. Breathe in, feel the air filling your lungs. Revitalizing air. Breathe out, releasing all the tension. Breathe. Breathe".

I couldn't say that this incident is totally unexpected. It is my brief flirtation with cigarette smoke that caused this. For the past couple of weeks, I've been exploring "Marlboro Lights country". Nothing major, just a smoke here and there, but I guess I'm just really not made for it. I'm stopping.

I resolve to stick to the one vice alone - Writing.

I will take in everything around me - beauty, pain, joy, fear, love...breathing them in. Then, I will write, letting the thoughts flow seamlessly like exhaled air.

I will write... and breathe easy.

Sweet November

2005-11-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

It was a good way to start the month. My girls came over for a 4 day break. Days were packed with sight seeing, shopping, good food (chili crab!) and laughing (yep, lots of laughs). And our nights... oh our nights were something else. It was a myriad of weird games, booze, good music, great company... and ya, a few noticeable, cute (no, make that hot) boys (nay, men) too. Hehe.

Some of the highlights:

1) Marlette in a skirt - Wow. Really. Girlie girl galore.

2) Cable Car ride - Two words - Tilted. Freaky...but definitely generated some good laughs. Shay and I are getting old to be scared this easy.

3) Our inventive card games, charades and taboo - Word: Blackhole: "It is a place not on this earth. It is used to describe nothingness, (long pause), emptiness". Hehe.

4) Insomnia - Pinoy band rocked the house like a fully jammed Sting concert. This is where we had our first Singapore Sling... and where we met Mr. Absolutely Gorgeous.

5) Shay going on a dare - Let's just say that she wore a garment less than the usual :)

6) "Emergencies" - Lette in Suntec. Shay in Esplanade. Rhea should've been immuned but somehow, she had to grace Underwater World with her presence. Hehe. Till now can't figure out if it's the water or the coffee. Hmmm.

7) Our henna tattooes and jelly rings - Sentimental girls we are. Souvenirs we got, but memories from this trip will be etched in our minds for always.

It was a great time. Probably, the best time I've had in months. I'm really blessed to have friends who will be around for me regardless.

....

Yet again, I'm borrowing one of Carrie Bradshaw's lines: "Our past is like an anchor that keeps us from moving on. Wouldn't you wish you can say that this ship has sailed?"

As I promised Keith, November 1st is going to be the day. Well, actually, I kinda slipped. It was November 2nd. This ship is beginning to sail. Slowly, but surely.

Anchors away.

I'm Back

2005-10-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since I last placed an entry. And as my first post in this resurrected blogspot, I will neither recount the reasons why I stopped writing nor what has transpired in the last three months. All my close friends know all these already. There's no need to go into it.

So, if you happen to be reading this and if you are wondering on both points, it simply means that, for some reason, I don't trust you with the goings on in my life... and heck no, I won't write about it just to satisfy your curiosity. Hehe. (Just workin' up a lil attitude).

..

Friendster has this new feature called "Who's viewed me". I was surprised to see an African-American dude viewing my page...a total stranger.

Some weekends ago, Tegs and I were at the mall. I was busy looking at some stuff at Guardian just going about my business. A lil while later, Tegs - with her amused smile - tugged at my arm and whispered: "4 oclock. black guy checking you out". True enough, I looked over and there he was, openly staring at me.

These 2 incidents, apart from other previous ones, has led my friends to come to 2 (crazy) conclusions.

(1) Like a newly launched consumer product, I have a specific "target market". I really dunno why that is. Hmmm. Do I exude an aura that screams "wanted personal Jay-Z"?? Probably. I guess everyone else just doesn't seem gangster enough. Hehe.

(2) Given (1), second conclusion is that I am in the wrong country and/or continent. Singapore, indeed, has a small African-American community. Problem? Not really. My friends are creative enough to come up with a solution... that is, Google! They cleverly suggest that I google my way to finding out about people and recent events, crash into parties, blend into the circle...with the end goal of finding me a "brother". LOL.

As that saying goes, "once you go black, you can never go back". Oh well.

..

The past week has been "busy" in so many levels.

Busy with work. It's a stress. They almost had my fly to Germany (again) to wrap up the remaining reviews for sign-off. I had to fight that off, clearly declaring that I cannot be out of town. The girls are coming over for a visit this weekend and I'll be triple dead if they get here without me around.

Busy with laundry. As the girls are coming, I have to make sure that mi casa is in proper order. Fresh sheets and towels for the guests should be readily available.

Busy with planning. Itinerary. I'm fixing a day to day schedule to make sure they'd be able to see all the cool spots and shop at all the cool places. Rhea brought up the idea of having a back-up plan in case it rains. It's been raining a lot the past few days, and hopefully the weekend will be clear. But just in case...should think about plan B.

Busy with chatting. Yes. I'm back online almost every night. The web has become my friend once again.

Busy with "thoughts". Thought provoking emails and pictures... I'd rather not go into detail. Hehe.

Busy with class. I've been going to belly dancing and freestyle (hiphop) classes. Pretty fun and Remo (the teacher) is pretty cool.

Busy. Busy. Busy. It's all good :)

Neon Sign

2005-07-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

Monday Morning. I was late for work. There I was sitting in the cab, earphones plugged, I-pod keeping me entertained. This truck suddenly cuts in front of us...and there it was - in big, bold letters like a neon sign... What the? Of all the names in the world, it just had to be his plastered on the back of the truck.

I don't need reminders. I wake up every morning still with thoughts of him. I go on 'missing', not knowing how to make it stop. I try to smile and it's not even for me. It's coz he is happy. Maybe I'm the craziest fool or I'm just utterly clueless. I don't know, maybe I'm both...

Last Saturday, my mom, Rhea and I went to a ballet of the "Little Mermaid". It got to the part where the prince marries someone else. The only way the little mermaid can save herself was to pierce a dagger through the prince's heart. As she loved him so, she did not do it and she turned into foam. Maybe she's the craziest fool or she's just utterly clueless. Maybe she's both....

Love does weird things to people sometimes. It gives one life, it takes one's spirit....I guess I'm tired. It's time to rest. It's time to take the neon sign down. It's time to turn into "foam" and float away...

Northern Lights

2005-07-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

Song: Northern Lights

Artist: Lux

Album: Cafe del Mar - Disc 1

The scene: Carrie Bradshaw at daybreak after breaking up with Aidan. "Northern Lights" was the background music for this Sex and the City bit. It was perfect as it brings a feel of melancholy and hopefulness. Both an end and a beginning. Both "death"and life.

I keep playing it over and over. There are no words, no lyrics, yet the music touched me. In a way, this is how I am at the moment - struggling yet hoping.This is what I need right now. Hope of what? I'm not really sure.... Maybe it's hope that there is something better than this current state of emotional chaos. Maybe, it's hope that I will not run out of strength to try and keep on smiling. A friend of mine said that the world will turn better if I smile. If he is right, then, I guess I'll have to keep on trying.

The end: Carrie pulled through it and ended up happily with Big. I guess I can pull through too. But at this point, I don't wish to find "Big". I just wish to find peace.

4 Countries

2005-07-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

During the past month, I was in 4 countries and 2 continents. I didn't realize it until Tegs mentioned it. Kinda cool I guess. Early June was Germany and that weekend in Holland. Then, it was back to Singapore... And last weekend, it was Malaysia.

Movement... Everything is so dynamic on the outside. New sights, new places, new people. Pack and go, getting one jet lag after another....On the inside, though, it's a slow flowing brook. The same currents are still running through...Weird huh...I guess we just gotta let it flow and pray that one day, it won't take this much effort to simply breathe.

For the meantime, we just gotta keep our chin up to keep from drowning... and maybe continue on planning for the next 4 countries..... Paris, France... Perth,Australia...Bangkok, Thailand and Beijing, China... How does that sound?

Writer's Block

2005-06-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while. Not that I don't have anything to write about. On the contrary, a lot has been going on in this head of mine. Like freshly poured wine, the thoughts just needed time to breathe. I let them chill and always end up questioning the wisdom of writing about them.

Two things that influenced this present state of "creative silence":

1) This song which I happen to listen to by chance. I was synching up songs from Trish's CDs and this was in it. I neither know the title nor the singer but as soon as I heard the first lines, I was hooked..."Close my eyes. Let the whole thing pass me by. There is no time to waste asking why."

I guess.... No sense asking why. No sense writing about things that should not matter anymore. No sense trying to capture everything with words as they could not encompass the depth of what is felt. As Dido would say, I hold my tongue...(or in this case, my pen...)

2) Conversations with Tegs - a new found friend, ally, "avid fan", "upper" who talks some sense and most importantly listens... You're right... we'll just let this slide... "Hush, hush".

I guess... I will be writing some prose and poetry one day. Just not today...

Raddisson, Room 429

2005-05-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

It's quite good to be in a new place. Away from the "normal" life, it always gives me a sense of objectivity. Hmm...maybe, this is why I've always moved to a different place whenever I feel my emotions are in havoc. When a haircut just won't do or numerous trips to the spa won't help, I tend to resort to drastic changes. Hehehe :)

Looking back, things were not going well with C**** that I had myself assigned to MD. I turned out to be the right move as I was happy in MD. I guess a lil too happy that I'd get crushed everytime it was time to go home. I would have moved there in an instant, if I only had something to move for. But it turns out there was none. Thus, I ended up taking a job in Singapore... which got me here.

Dusseldolf. Raddison Hotel. Room 429. TV with all German channels. Buffet breakfast with all types of sausages. A very European dining saloon. And a wonderful cleaning lady which always leaves fresh flowers by the window sill :)

This Germany trip came at the right time. It truly is beautiful here. I walk around and take in the beauty of it all. Cool architecture. Lovely park. Quite friendly people. Maybe it's being in a place I may never get to see again or be around people I may never meet again...that somehow makes me appreciate the present more.

I am here...and the time is now :)

Away from the sun

2005-05-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was listening to this song and just started writing....

Untitled

I'm away from the sun...
His soulful presence
Which makes my days brighter
And my heart content.

Like a sun-kissed flower,
I bloomed with his touched.
Surrounded by his warmth,
I felt the rays of life.

He seems to be so far gone...
I am missing his shine.
Irreplaceable, a true gem...
He is my sun.

I watch him glowing radiantly
to his new planet, a new life.
From afar, I smile...
As he is happy.

So far gone...
I am missing his shine.
I am missing my sun.

Zachary

2005-05-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

I finally met a cute German. I was sitting at the hotel lounge and there he was. He kept staring at me, as if to catch my attention. When I did glance his way, he'd give me the cutest smile that I couldn't help but smile back. The staring and smiling went on for a good twenty minutes. Given more time, I think I would have fallen in love with him -- except that he is 4 feet too short and 25 years to young :) Two year old Zachary is a definite charmer.

An unsent letter

2005-05-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

Dearest W.A.,

Maybe it was the "pitter-patter" of the rain on the hotel windows when I woke up this morning...that always reminds me of you. I walk these foreign streets, amidst the bustling European lights and people greeting "guten tag"... and I thought of you.

I smile as I think of how you probably will laugh out loud once I tell you of my misadventures since I got here, or how you'll listen to my animated stories about this wonderful place... Then, again, reality sinks in and I realize that you are busy nowadays. I understand that my stories will have to be left untold.

As I should, I continue to walk and move along with my journey. Stories may be left untold and thoughts may be left unsaid, but everything is still felt. Like that Dido song, I remain...

Wherever I may go, whenever it rains, I will think of you. With each raindrop, I will be reminded of the fondest moments. With each "pitter-patter", I will be wishing for your happiness.

V.L.

Tuesday Morning

2005-05-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

... in the dark. Ok, just remembered that Michelle Branch song. It's 130AM, technically, really early Tuesday morning. Guess what I'm doing? Surfing train tickets to Paris! :) Yep, it seems that my Germany trip is finally pushing through. I'm not super excited as there are lots of work stuff to do... but I'm sure looking forward to a lil European escapade.

Busy busy day. I don't know how Orange and I can survive the week with the tons of things to look into. But we'll be ok... Two things that get us through the day: 1) Stress Tabs from GNC which has the amazing ability to calm us down, and 2) that cute smile and baritone voice from the other cube, which has the amazing ability to make us giggly highschool girls. LOL.

Ok, 134 USD one way - Dusseldorf to Paris. Not bad... Can I just buy a one way ticket and stay for a while? :) ... The city of lights... It should be very interesting!

Chapter One

2005-05-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

And so, the conversations began...

She noticed that he is a good listener. Whenever she speaks, he would look straight at her, hanging on to every word. He shares his views and opinions with plain objectivity. No judgements, no bias. He has a hearty laugh and some wise cracks. All around nice guy, she thinks.

Then came the emails... And today's movie...

For the past month, she shut out meeting new people. Alone time was much needed. Detaching from the world was a result of sorting her chaotic emotions. Today, though, she realizes that new friendships are inevitable... maybe, even necessary. Like the rain, new friends shower opportunities to further grow and learn.

She woke up this morning expecting a 'normal' day... But, she heads to bed thinking that it sure was pretty interesting.

(To be continued...)

Excuses

2005-05-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

Some people just love to make excuses. "I can't because"..."Maybe next time"...Blah, blah, blah. In reality, they just can't say what they really mean. I understand if it's someone you barely know. They can say anything and I couldn't care less. But from people who claim to be your "friend", it's just annoying to be fed with crap.

If you're my friend, as you say you are, don't give me bullsh*t. Say whatever you mean, mean whatever you say. Don't say you care, then at the first test of friendship, you flake out. Don't downplay things for me. I'm intelligent enough to get it and I care enough to try and understand you. At the very least, learn how to respect who I am, my world, and how I feel. If you can't do those things, freakin' leave me alone.

Wow, I'm pissed (that seldom happens...hehe). For the first time in a long time, I don't give a damn.

Introduction

2005-05-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

11:15 AM. She sits with her book, listening to a loud song in an attempt to drown out the heavy thoughts from the previous day. Numb by Linkin Park. Darn good choice. Absorbed by the fictitious world she's reading about, she temporarily floats away from the pressing issues of the present. Breakfast? Oops. Sleep? Forgot about that too.Work? Don't even ask.

Today is probably going to be a lil stressful, she thinks. Then, she looks up... accidentally meeting those eyes... totally unfamiliar; yet, somehow, strangely assuring...

(To Be Continued...)

Trigger Day

2005-05-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

I got this concept from a book I've been reading. Basically, it's a day which causes a rush of memories...a semblance of the past seeping into the present. It could be a birthday, anniversary, the day a friendship begun...

May 2nd. X-Men 2. Loew's across the street. It was a Friday, after work, around 5-ish. The weather was good then, neither too cold nor too hot. He parked the car while I got the tickets. I had my shell necklace on while he accesorized with his cute smile. Cool movie. Great company. The conversation was flowing and I kept on laughing. It was perfect... Then, after that day, came a string of dinners, lunches, movies - a friendship so unexpected that I couldn't pinpoint exactly how it could have started... and thrived.

It has been a couple of years. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. There were the daily chats, regular phonecalls, cards, emails, trips to visit, 'sweetie','my dear'... Now, most of that has gone. Given life upgrades and our present lives needing time and attention, things are not how they used to be.

The important thing is that the friendship is still there.... A day turns into a week. A week turns into a month. A month turns into a year... Everything will evolve but I have faith that the friendship will remain- through all the changes and through time.

I guess I'm a sentimental shmuck huh? Some people misconstrue it as 'living in the past'. But, sometimes, I'm just like that... I remember... I remember everything and I remember well. Like an antique rock, poignant memories are etched.

Today is my trigger day. May 2nd. A day after labor day. To me, it will always be much, much more than ordinary.

My Favorite Doc

2005-04-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

It's cool to see friends evolve - a high school joker turned into a NY doctor. He used to be the type that you would not take seriously as he took everything lightly. It was his playful nature maybe. He'd tell the funny stories, impersonate people, and sell the jokes.

I should say that he has grown to be a different man. He's still the funny guy; but, now, with more maturity. Determined, confident, and...serious? Hehe.I didn't think I'd be saying that about him, but ya... serious in a good way.

In the 10+ years that I've known him, he remains to be the caring friend. Quite protective really as proven by how he is always there whenever I get hurt. He has a way of keeping it real - telling me straight what I may be doing foolishly, keeping me rational when I'm over emotional.

Why am I writing about him? Hmmm. No particular reason. I guess I'm just feeling blessed to have real friends like him around - the kind that never really 'leaves'.

Lights out

2005-04-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

I have the habit of keeping the lights on whenever I have the need to not feel alone in the dark. For the past 2 months, ever since I moved, I have been keeping it on. I guess sleep just hasn't been my friend given the physical and emotional adjustments that have been going on. Thus, it has been total bonding with my books and my lamp (a really cute one from Ikea, I should add :)).

Last night though, like a kid fighting the fear of monsters under the bed, I found the 'strength' to turn the lights off. There was total darkness, except for the gap in the curtains which let some of the moonlight in. It was a pretty serene night... and one which somewhat signifies an act of faith -- trusting that as I sleep in the dark and when I wake up in the morning, everything is going to be ok.

First Impressions

2005-04-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm working with this guy Iric on some front end screens for loan processing(how nerdy right? :) ). After exchanging couple of emails, I figured he must either be extremely busy to be cranky, or just plain unapproachable. As such, my emails are carefully worded (but of course, with that urgent tone to them whenever necessary).

I finally met him on a project meeting last week. He flew in from Manila and will be staying until Wednesday. Aloof, know-it-all, "mayabang" was what I thought. After a few meetings, though, I realize that I was wrong. He's been cracking jokes, texting with an opening line of "dear vida", and he's helping me fight the unreasonable deadlines...

On to another story... Rhea and I tried this noodle house last Friday. It's called "SilkRoad" and the beef noodle was extremely good. The lady who helped us was speaking with a Singaporean accent, so we naturally assumed that she's a local. On discussing the dessert menu though, she suddenly shifts into straight Filipino, which took us by surprise. Kabayan pala.

As Melanie Marquez would say "you can never can tell"... and "don't judge a person, he/she's not a book"... LOL. There's no better way to end this spot than that.

"Kaconniehan"

2005-04-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

Rocks just coined that word - a new word in our dictionary which he defines as "vida being vida". Friend, you know me so well, and that word is so apt. Hahaha. I just had to put it in here. Being true to my connie self, I bid thee a temporary farewell, and a good sweet night. See you online.

So Retro

2005-04-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

I took a cab home last night. Just as I slipped into a comfortable slouch, this song plays on the radio. I heard it and thought "come on, you've got to be kidding". Then I just had to laugh out loud :)

Life is funny sometimes. It's full of little unexpected reminders - of a person, a place, a particular moment... This isn't the first time I've been reminded this week. Imagine reading a book and on flipping the page, the fiction hotel name just happens to be his name. Or watching TV, and one of the characters just happens to have the same name. Or a song on the radio which he introduced to you or you introduced to him.

I'm not kidding. It happens a lil often. But it's all good... All good, sweet, fun, memories which I would not trade or go to Lacuna Inc to erase :)

Fade out to that song in the cab... Wilson Philip's -- so retro, yet so very appropriate. "You're in love, that's the way it should be, coz I want you to be happy...."

Localized

2005-04-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

We were walking out to lunch when a tourist came up to me and asked where to find TCC. Without having to think, I pointed her to the direction of the cafe. My friend and I started laughing as we're now giving out directions instead of asking them. In a sense, we're officially "localized."

We first came to Singapore exactly 2 months ago from today. We were, then, lost along Victoria Street, trying to figure out how to get to the nearest mall, maps always in tow. We were struggling to figure out what people were saying while trying to remember to keep left (instead of right) on escalators, and to look right (instead of left or vice versa) when crossing the street.

I should say that, now, we're finally settled. We've memorized the MRT stops by heart and can instruct "uncle" to take the PIE going home. We can now easily understand the lady from San's bookshop when she asks if we want a bag. (The first time we talked to her, she had to say it thrice before we understood :)). On occassion, we even pick up on the "can can", a Chinese word, and a Malay phrase too.

In as much as the physical adjustment has completed, I'm hoping that everything else will follow. The heart is difficult to teach sometimes; the past not easily forgotten. But we're trying...

Pachelbel's Canon

2005-04-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

Cool weekend. Citigroup sponsored an event at Fort Canning last Saturday. It was a feast - free booths for massages, foot reflexogy, henna tattoos, tarotreading, etc. Food and wine were free flowing. There was a huge turnout making the event a success.

With our mats and picnic baskets, we lay on the grass taking in the beauty ofthe afternoon. We were entertained by clowns on stilts, a fire-eater moving to the beat of the drums, and a dude walking around with a huge snake by his neck. The night ended with a movie under the stars. Very nice.

My favorite part of it all was a programme by 4 violinists. They played classical, mostly pieces by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, which was soo refreshing. Mozart's music was cool. However, there was something about Pachelbel's Canon that caught my attention the most. Maybe it was how the violins synched up or how those perfect tunes floated through the night air. I don't know what it was that touched me; but, hearing that piece that evening, earned it a prime spot on my playlist...Maybe, I'll even use it for an event I may be organizing sometime in the future (if ever that'll happen... I'm not so sure now :)).

Without hope or agenda...

2005-04-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

... my wasted heart will love you. It's one of my favorite lines from "Love Actually". Just finished watching it (probably, my 5th time :)). From the first time I saw the movie, that line just kinda stuck to me. I guess it is how love should be. It just is. If it is real, it thrives... an outward giving of self, without expecting anything in return.

I may have used that line once (probably freaked the other person out a lil :)). But, I really, really meant it. Through everything that has happened, I still care so much. Sometimes I ask myself why that is; I always end up without a finite answer. I think of this good analogy, though--- of a rubber band, stretched. It could never go back to it's original shape, right? In the same way, the experience has shown me how much of myself I'm capable to give. I guess I just can't switch back to loving less. That's just how it is.

I'm just thankful and blessed for the experience of loving... without hope or agenda.

TGIF

2005-04-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night!! (well, 140 am Saturday actually). Just decided to write a lil before trying to go to sleep. Today's not bad. Started off with a visit to the German embassy. I attended 2 meetings, worked on 2 func specs, and read through a lot of emails. Just glad the work week is over. :)

For some reason, I started humming this Third Eye Blind tune on my way home: "And there's this burning like there's always been. I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive"...Motorcycle drive by. My brother and I used to sing this song. We loved that part when it transitions from mellow to the drums full blast.

Singing the lyrics now...it's a lil different. I feel it more. To some extent, I guess I'm 'alone'. It's not just by being in a new place; but, also the circumstances I am in right now. Alone, but not lonely. There's a big difference. In a way, I think this is good for me. It's my time to find myself again - pick up some things I may have lost along the way. It's time to discover new things, enjoy new adventures. Meet new people. Travel more. Think less. Live more. Just be more... It's time to feel totally alive.

Quote of the Day

2005-04-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

"True love is neither exclusively physical nor romantic. True love is the acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be"
- Fr. Vic Salanga

Who is John Galt?

2005-04-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

Do you know? Who knows right? :)

The point is people sometimes tend to ask the unanswerable questions. We kill ourselves trying to understand what's going on, why things turned out the way they did. Sometimes, we just don't know. Things are just the way they are. That's just the way it's supposed to be. The only thing we can do is have faith - that whatever has happened, is happening, and will happen is part of this great big plan. It will all make sense eventually.

Who is John Galt?

One of the insights from "Atlas Shrugged"... more to come.

Mocha Frap

2005-04-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

I was too sleepy this morning that I had to pass by Starbucks for some "wake me up" mocha frappucino. It's weird to be that sleepy since I got around 6 good hours of sleep last night. It's not the required 8 hours, but I'm happy with whatever sleep I can get. :)

With my new pink and green silky Aussino sheets (the best!), I was lulled to sleep by the humming of my aircon and the tick-tock of my clock. I started reading this book called "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. Really interesting stuff. Quite philosophical as it's a story about realizing one's potential and letting others realize theirs. It's written easily but the thoughts are kinda deep. Guess it's more relaxing than the Sept 11 tales which I just finished reading yesterday.

I'm so into books and writing nowadays. It's quite good actually. It's been one book after another. And, sometimes, I find myself just writing and writing until there are no more thoughts. It has been flowing like a dam broken loose :)

Back to Mocha Frap... My mocha frap buddy/surfer-cum-writer friend has been recently assigned to the Manila & Singapore IT Operations for Shell. Thus, he'll be here half of his time. Our Singapore crew is growing...Anyone else to follow? :)

For a very dear friend

2005-04-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

As you turn a year older, I pray that all your deepest wishes come true. With Beijing happening in September, I know that this year is going to be one of big, good changes. May you find peace wherever life brings you. May you find happiness in whatever life gives you.

Thank you for being with me all these years --- sharing spinach artichoke @ Staccato, braving the Minneapolis winters, watching all the repertory plays, office over nights and over-over nights, Friday night gimiks and Sunday afternoon movies, coffee @ Starbucks, dessert @ Bizu, Out-of-town trips, batis @ Batangas, numerous trips to Sonya's Garden and most unforgettable, our ponkan escapade @ Taal Lake ;)

For laughing with me and hugging me whenever I cry. For loving me unconditionally...I can't thank you enough.

Wish I were there for your special day. Enjoy! I'm with you as I always will be.

Happy Birthday, dear! Love you. Mwah :)

Sunday Morning

2005-04-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

Congratulations and best wishes are in place! My cousin Rina got married yesterday. I heard the ceremony was really pretty, the food was great and the wine was flowing. Rins and Jayson, I wish you all the best. Sorry I missed your big day. I would have loved to be there. Send me pics soon, ok?
.................
I woke up with the song in my head: "Sunday morning rain is falling...I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew, that someday it will lead me back to you". I love that song as I love the person who introduced that song to me.

Anyway, it's an easy Sunday morning. Sunny. We were supposed to see the Sound of Music at the Esplanade but we ran out of tickets. So, today is going to end up as one of the usual shopping days. Looking forward to dinner at Cafe Society in Old Parliament Road. We're clueless as how to get there, but surely the cab drivers would know.

The weekend flies fast... Time flies fast... It's been almost 6 weeks since we got here. There are many changes going on with family and friends. I look back and miss the days when I go through everything with them first hand. Now, it's like I'm just hearing stories. I guess this is the downside of being far away - being absent for birthdays, weddings, or the simple everyday life.

My cousin Phoebe would say, though, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I'd like to believe that... Let's just wait and see what Singapore has in store.

Drowning

2005-04-08T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have this recurring dream. The first couple of times were of people I know. Then, last night, I dreamt of me submerged in water. Not sure what the dream means, but it was inspiration for this piece.

Drowning

The sea of unknowns -
Filled with life's mysteries unsolved,
and love questions unanswered.
Our past continues to haunt me...
Like waves coming back to shore
Don't know how or when it will stop.
Our future is separate...
Flowing in different directions,
Uncertain if these currents will merge again.

Me without you...
Struggling to breathe
Struggling to stay afloat
Choking deep sea salts -
... thoughts of you forgetting
... images of you not caring
Are you still with me?

Twinkle, Twinkle

2005-04-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

...Little Star, how I wonder what you are...the first song I heard this morning. Chinese version, no less :) I was on the train to work and this little girl started singing. From Choa Chu kang to City Hall, she was all hyper and kept exercising her vocal chords, oblivious to the people rushing about around her... Kids are really cool. They're happy even with the simplest things. Guess it's something adults should try and do.

Meggy and I were just talking about this last Sunday -- how Ateneo days were so much different from life now. Then, our concerns were: 1) where to have lunch, 2) plans to watch a movie, 3) how to catch C****c before the next class, Hehehe.. (and, I almost forgot... Accounting Mid terms). We could spend an entire day hanging by Berchman's, practicing our Spanish, laughing and just sharing stories.

Now, it's different. Somehow, as we go along, things get a little more complicated. There's work. Planning for your future. Family problems. Relationship stress. The giggling (and sleep) does not come as easy.

I post these questions: Is life really difficult that people tend to lose the childlike spirit? Is life really complicated or are we just making all the complications?

KFC

2005-04-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

Had KFC for dinner. Yep, no time to cook today. Lols, remember that time we tried the different funshot flavors? You got cheese. Hehehe. Weird nun... But, you know what's weird here? They don't have gravy! As in none. nada. So you gotta take the chicken as it is. I guess the gravy is just a bonus.

Guess the same goes with life. Sometimes, it comes plain -- in the same, old, daily routine. Think: SIRs, MRT rides, or 8 hour workdays... Other times, it comes with 'gravy' -- in the most wonderful, breathtaking moments. Think: elevator kisses, driving with someone special by the passenger seat, or watching leaves change colors through the fall...

Either way, we gotta take life as it comes, in whatever form it comes -- with or without the gravy.

...........

This spot goes to show that I've been thinking too much. Imagine co-relating chicken with life? Hehehe. Hey, it made sense naman ah!

Glass

2005-04-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

So this is how glass feels like when it shatters.

Recent events have lead me to commune with broken glass. Pieces all over the place. Jagged edges... I didn't think it would hurt as much. After all this while I should've been less vulnerable, right? Wrong. I wasn't prepared for the rush of emotions. But, as with the story of most things, nothing is entirely expected or comprehensible.

The really good thing is that I know that he's in a good place. Someone is taking care of him now. He is well. Most importantly, he is happy. Somehow, that thought gives me comfort. I guess I must really love him. Knowing that he's happy is enough for me.

There's nothing else to do. Thus, I write.....

-----
I can just imagine Jem saying "kalimutan mo na yan" or Marian saying "hayyy nakuuu" with matching hand slapping forehead :) Don't worry guys, I'll take your words to heart this time. And, Lethel, I'm listening... Tabularasa.

Welcome

2005-04-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blogspot. What you will find here:
1) Singapore adventures
2) Recent Events
3) New Pieces
4) Random Thoughts, unedited

P.S. Lola, as promised, I'll start posting :)